Heartache, Joy, and Life

This last year of my life has been one of the most intense yet. Some days I tell people I feel as if I aged 10 years in terms of life experience. My heart has been through trying times - it has ached, parts of it have felt broken, and it has been tested; yet, it has also grown, parts of it have felt full, and it has felt joy.

I went from being your everyday single free-spirited outdoor educator working at a state park to being with my aunt and uncle through a life-threatening illness and ultimate liver transplant. While living at the hospital for a few months with the two of them, I was reconnected with an old friend. Little did I know at the time that reconnecting with that friend would lead to the growth of my heart and family.

As I discussed in one of my last posts, I really was feeling like I was in the right place, people were coming back into my life, and we were crossing paths at just the right time. I was there while my boyfriend’s son continued to enjoy life and make us all laugh despite his great battle with osteosarcoma. He never gave up, not even in those final days. I lost a friend that day.

I know there is a part of our hearts that will never feel the same without Nick here. He was a great person, son, brother, and friend, and I was just beginning to feel like a part of his family.

I am thankful for the time I had, and beyond blessed to walk into his life when I did. One of the first times I hung out with him and his dad in Omaha, I felt so inspired by Nick already. I wrote a post titled “Stay Strong” that evening. Nick later shared a few words himself that day, which brought me to tears and touched my heart.

“Jessica is one of the most inspirational, very outgoing, strongest, and never forgets someone or leaves them out. She definitely made my stay go a lot faster and brightened it up by just coming over and hanging out. My journey in life is just a small dent in life and the people I have met like Jessica have made a tremendous dent in the most important journey, and that’s LIFE.”

As a family we remember, we cry, we share stories, we laugh, we enjoy, and we love.

Simple guide for enjoying life, laughing lots, and staying strong:

1. Spend time with those you love. The ones who make you happy. The ones who make you smile without even saying a thing. The ones you can have fun with and keep on smiling.

These are the people we should be there for, spend our time with, make memories together, enjoy life, and bring each other joy. Family and those few great friends. Smile together.

The boys and I participated in a 1-mile honor walk in support of Childhood Cancer Research. I also ran the 5K that night. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Go gold.

 2. Find excitement and joy in your work.

I am embarking on a few new work adventures this week. First, I am beginning as the administrative assistant in an office that works with community development through homebuyer education and assistance. Second, I may be doing a little freelance writing and photography for a magazine. Both are exciting opportunities right near my new home. I can see challenge in both of these work adventures for me, and I can help make a difference.

3. Share stories with one another.

Sharing stories means sharing experiences and emotions. How do we go about remembering and not forgetting? We share stories. That’s how. Stories can help us process, remember the good things in life, reminisce, and hope for more.

I have been telling a few people about the hearts I have been finding lately. One showed up in the form of a rash or something on my left arm. I had it for about three days. Every time I looked, I would trace the heart shape I would see and think of my buddy. Maybe Nick was telling us he loves us. Look close in the photo below. The heart is tilted on its right.

 

Then, at the start line of the 5K race in support of Childhood Cancer Research, I took in a group of clouds forming a heart with a pink tinge in the sky. Nick again I thought, and Mike, Nate, and I shared stories on the way home. 

4. Make each other laugh.

I swear I have not laughed as hard in my life as I have in the past 3 months. From Oklahoma shenangians with the guys, to riding in the truck, to sitting across the table. Those Kroeger men always find something. I don’t just giggle, I bend over laughing with tears in the corners of my eyes. I have Mike, Nate, and Nick to thank for that.

5. Enjoy the little things.

With one of new work avenues including a little photography work, I decided to wake up a little earlier one day and go see what beautiful sky the sun may provide for me one morning. Sunrise has always been one of my favorite times of day, when just that simple change as it sneaks over the horizon. This is one of those little moments that just makes me smile.

Heartache, joy, and life… How do we make sense of it all? I don’t think we ever will. A part of our hearts will ache forever; yet, other parts of our hearts shall grow as we continue to be here for one another. Like Nick said “it’s the people I have met that have made a tremendous dent in the most important journey, and that’s LIFE.” We shall do our best to help each other find our way. We will cry. We will remember. We will hold each other. We will smile. We will laugh. We will enjoy. We will love. We will ride on.